WIFM….…or What’s In It For Me?

The communication model we use contains four logical steps.  Each step must occur in order for the communication to run smoothly:

Step 1: Rapport

Step 2: Discovery

Step 3: Solution

Step 4: Close

This model encompasses a philosophy for communication, combined with tools and techniques, that when followed, provides a solid framework for communication and offers a consistent path to follow that will produce outstanding quality of communication.

 This blog focuses on Step 3: Solution

WIFM….…or What’s In It For Me?

Solution is the part of the communication where you discuss what has been decided as the appropriate course of action in terms of WIFM.

 Communication framework

Generally you can get anybody to do anything if you can do a good enough job of convincing them of WIFM.

 

Solution is all about discussing the outcome in a way that helps the other person to see the benefit to them personally of keeping the commitment or performing the agreed action.

 

Sometimes it may seem to you that you are just stating the obvious. Remember that you may be dealing with people who don’t see the obvious the way you do. Unless you clearly state the obvious, the person you are dealing with might not even realise that there’s something in it for them.

 

For example-

Brad, do you enjoy being counseled in my office and having file notes completed about you when you swear in front of customers, knowing that this behaviour could lead to termination?

(Note the use of a closed question)

Brad: No.

 

Good, I’m glad to hear it. If you choose to use professional language in this environment, you will never have to have this conversation with me again. Does that sound good to you?

Brad: Yes

 

Have a look at the two examples below and see which one you would respond best to.

 

Example 1

Karen, I need you to work for three extra hours on Tuesday because Linda has an appointment. I will trade it for some time off later on when we can spare you.

 

Example 2

Karen, if you work three extra hours for me on Tuesday to cover Linda’s absence, I would like to offer for you to leave three hours earlier on Friday so you can spend some time riding your horse. Would this be something you would like to consider?

Communication framework
While you may have thought both examples could have achieve the same result, the second one is more likely to motivate Karen to say yes right away as it is specific and related to something she loves to do in her spare time.

 

In summary:

CONCEPTS TOOLS
– Solution is a discussion about the choice the
   customer has already made during the Discovery
   process
– Solution is about adding value to the customer
– Personalisation of the communication, in tasks,
   processes, procedures and products
– Solution statements often discuss actions to be taken
   by the customer and/or the organisation
– Confirmation of all details
– Use of personalised benefits
– Connection of action to benefit statements
– Use of names
– Use of “For You” language
– Use of agreement questions – to clarify actions taken
  and solutions given

 

To discover or not to discover? That is the question….!

Discovery:  to find out or to realise something that was not known before.

Discovery involves emptying your head of all preconceived ideas, assumptions and presumptions about the other person and the situation and digging beyond the surface to find out what’s real about the situation.

 

People are meaning making machines. If it is working well, your brain will take a few clues from the environment and create a story based on you past experiences about what’s real about any given situation.

 

If your brain works like this, congratulations, it’s doing a great job for you. The danger of this kind of cognitive activity is that it could sometimes prevent you from taking the time to fully explore a situation before you make up your mind about the reason why this situation occurred in the first place.

 

If the facts are not uncovered and verified, there is a high chance the solution will not be based on what is true for both parties and therefore will be inappropriate for the circumstance. At worst, a poorly constructed solution can leave one or both parties emotionally damaged and can permanently destroy any chance of building up a positive long-term relationship.

 

Maybe you have a habit of asking only closed questions, those which require only a yes or no answer. While closed questions have their place and can be useful communication tools, they inhibit the free flow of information. Information is vital to for you to gain a total understanding of a situation before you make up your mind about what to do about it.

 

Closed questions also support the habits of making assumptions and leaping to conclusions. People tend to only ask the questions that they know will get the answers which support assumptions. Once a few shreds of information to support existing perceptions are in place, the mind closes to other possibilities.

 

Even if other possibilities are clearly spoken you may not hear and comprehend them, because you may have already made up your mind that what you thought in the first place is correct. How many misunderstandings and arguments could be totally avoided if you waited to hear all the facts before you made up your mind? 

discover

 

The quandary here is that if you launch into a plethora of open questions, questions which require explanations rather than a yes or no, the other person may begin to feel as though you are interrogating them.

 

The key is to gain permission to ask these questions before you start, and explain why these questions will be asked.

 

For example:

 

Bob, at first glance the complaint made by Mrs Barnes seems quite serious. I really want to hear your thoughts about why this happened so I can make the right decision about what to do about it. Would it be OK with you if I asked you some questions to help me understand what’s happened here?

 

– Bob will probably say yes go ahead, because you have not put any direct accusations on him, nor blamed him for anything. All you are doing is asking his permission to ask questions, and there is very little chance that Bob will react defensively.

 

Mary, I am about to begin your Performance Review. Before I look at the sales reports, I would like to have a chat with you about how you’re travelling in your role. Would it be all right if I hear your thoughts from you first?

 

 

– Everyone is nervous about performance reviews. This approach of asking for Mary to share her thoughts BEFORE the review is done is more likely to have Mary on side, rather than defensive.

 

Jenny, I have been told you have been leaving early to play golf and not completing your share of the paperwork when I’m not here. Before I go any further, I’d like to hear you side of the story first. Can I ask you a few questions about this?

 

 

– Jenny may be the victim of malicious office gossip. She may not be leaving early at all. While you are pretty sure that Jenny is skiving off, it is an assumption and you have no proof. Can you be certain that this leaving early does not have some other explanation? Could it be that Jenny has a very good and reasonable explanation? This approach gives her the chance to give a report rather than having to defend herself if she is faced with an outright accusation.

 

John, this may seem like a simple error that can easily be corrected, but this is not the best use of your time. So we can work out a way to use your time effectively in future, I’d like to review the process of your job so you spend your time doing things that are productive. Can I ask a few questions about the current process you follow?

 

– This approach puts you in a position of being alongside John, not standing over him with a stick saying he is bad. It allows John to be a part of the solution not the one who is to blame. John is more likely to co-operate with you than he is to get defensive.

 

The next step is to ask a question designed to get the other person talking and giving you lots of information.

 

Open questions start with:

 

•        why

•        what

•        how

 

 

Closed questions start with:

 

•        who

•        when

•        where

 

 

As an example of how closed questions work, read this list below.

 

When did this happen? …………………. Yesterday

 

When did you notice the error?…………Yesterday

 

When did you ask Sally to ring Mrs Banfield?………………Yesterday

 

Where did the incident take place?……………….on the front counter

 

Where was John when this happened?………………………..At lunch

 

Get the picture?…………………………………..Yes

 

There is another very useful communication tool known as a Directive which helps to get information which may allow you to see the bigger picture before you make a decision about what needs to happen.

 

A Directive is a command that invites the person to speak at length and give you further information about a topic than they ordinarily would.

 

Some examples of Directives are:

 

Tell me about your situation regarding ……

 

Tell me your thoughts on………………………

 

Tell me what you think about…………..

 

Tell me how you feel about…………..

 

Tell me why you think that…………

 

Tell me how you……………………

 

Tell me the story behind………

 

Talk to me about the reasons why………..

 

Explain to me what you think about…………….

 

Describe exactly what happened as you saw it………..

 

Using a Directive will give the impression you are strong and confident, and also allows you to appear to be concerned and interested. Directive can also has the advantage of buying you some time to think. It is difficult for a person to give a closed response to a Directive.

 

If the answer to your Directive is “No” it gives you a clear indication that the person you are speaking to is being uncommunicative and unresponsive.

 

If you are served with a No, follow it up with another directive.

 

Jenny, your response of No tells me you are feeling uncommunicative. If I am right, this will make reaching a solution we are both happy with very difficult. Tell me what’s going on for you right now.

 

A word of caution here. The first sentence of this example, if said on it’s own, could sound presumptuous and arrogant. It may damage rapport.

 

Jenny, your response tells me you are feeling uncommunicative.

 

If you use this type of communication technique to identify a perceived emotion in another person, it is important to follow it up with the second piece, which is “If I’m right…”

 

This second part of the communication will build rapport as you have acknowledged that you may have misinterpreted the situation. It also gracefully lets the other person off the hook if they are feeling embarrassed by their earlier poor communication behaviour of bluntly replying with No. They may want to now be more co-operative.

 

We have briefly mentioned closed questions earlier on. Closed questions are great for clarifying facts and seeking commitment to action.

 

Closed questions can be very effective when you are clarifying what someone has told you, re-capping on any agreements or deciding to proceed with some type of action.

 

Bob, what will need to happen now is for you to get the paperwork for Mrs Barnes’ investment and bring it to me so I can see exactly what arrangements have been made. Can you have it to be by 4.00pm?

 

– Bob can easily state Yes or No as to whether he can manage 4pm.

 

John, the next time you have to complete this process, I’d like an agreement for you to come and see me so I can watch how you are doing it. That way if I need to arrange for some further training I know exactly what to ask for. Does that sound OK to you?

 

– If John says Yes, then you have his permission and agreement to come fetch you. If he says No then you may need to ask some more questions.

 

Jenny, from what you’ve told me, you feel it’s more important to meet with clients on the golf course because it’s a more relaxed environment. I can see your point. Part of your role with us is also to ensure that you are doing your share of the paperwork. When your team members believe this is not happening they may get resentful as it means more work for them. Does what I’m saying make sense to you?

 

– Here you are affirming Jenny’s commitment to the rapport she is building with her clients, and you are also able to point out the rapport she needs to build with her other team members.

 

Mary, have I got it right when I say that you think the reason for not achieving your sales target is that it’s hard to sell the OompaLoompa range because of its higher price tag?

 

– This lets Mary know that you have understood her reasons for the low sales results and you are not putting the blame on her.

 

Closed questions are best used at the end of a communication to make sure everything has been understood and all parties are clear on what’s going to happen next and who is responsible for it.

 

Without clarity about what is real, it will be hard to ask the next question, which could be

 

So how are we going to resolve this issue in a way that everyone’s happy?

 

Once you have all the facts to hand, you can discuss alternative outcomes and possible solutions until you come up with one that you feel is suitable.

 

 

 

 

The what, why and how of rapport

Effective communication has four logical steps, and each step must occur in order for the communication to run smoothly. Here is the list of steps in order of where they usually occur in most conversations. This does not mean the conversation has to be stepped through in this order, or that you cannot revisit each step if it’s appropriate.

Rapport diagram

Step 1: Rapport

Step 2: Discovery

Step 3: Solution

Step 4: Close

 

Step 1: Rapport

The word rapport is French in origin and is defined in the Heinemann Australian Dictionary as a feeling of understanding or sympathy.

Some other definitions include but are not limited to-

•         A relationship of mutual understanding or trust and agreement between people

•         Rapport is one of the most important features or characteristics of unconscious human interaction. It involves a shared perspective, being in “sync”, being on the same wavelength as the person you are talking to

•         That conscious feeling of harmonious accord, mutual responsiveness, and sympathy that contributes to the individual’s confidence in the communicator and willingness to work cooperatively with him or her.

•        The presence of harmony, trust and cooperation in relationship.

In short, rapport is a feeling of mutual trust and confidence between two parties.

If you wish to build positive rapport with the person you will be speaking, simple gestures are often enough. For example:

•        offer them a cup of coffee or get them a glass of water

•        ask if they are comfortable with the room temperature

•        ask if the other person is satisfied with the location you have chosen for this discussion

•        smile – and be genuine

•        clear your desk of all distracting paperwork or items

•        sit facing them and look interested in them

•        have reception hold all your phone calls while you are in the meeting

•        be prompt and ready at the set time and place

These are all small activities that will help to build rapport and trust and put the person at ease as it demonstrates your willingness to make them feel comfortable while you are with them.

If you are a direct or straight to the point communicator, it’s possible you may not be comfortable with these steps to build rapport, or you may not see the value in it. Some people see perceive these small talk niceties as a waste of valuable time and prefer to get straight to the point.

If this is your style, be aware that others may be intimidated by this approach, and the more relationship-focused communicators may find this way of beginning a conversation rude or arrogant. Such a beginning may immediately put the other person off side and could damage both long and short term rapport.

If you are interested in being an effective communicator it will be to your advantage to make some attempts to find out what sort of person you will be dealing with and set the scene accordingly, in order to make them comfortable.

If the aim of the communication is to develop long-term solutions to enhance and build the business or relationship, you will need the other person’s co-operation and buy in.

 

Build rapport

If small talk skills are not something you are good at, take the time to practise rapport building. Even though it feels uncomfortable to start off with, it is a necessary step to take before you can safely discuss the issue at hand.

As a successful communicator, it’s up to you to set the stage and build the relationship with the other person to a point where they have confidence in you and what you are saying.

If rapport is overlooked in the initial stage of building a relationship, it is hard to win it back. Start as you mean to continue and make a good first impression.

Be authentic

Be aware, if you have not built a successful feeling of trust and confidence in the person you are communicating with, it will be difficult to achieve their engagement in any solutions that might arise as the end result of the communication.

Practise building rapport, notice how it impacts you communication and remember to keep in natural and authentic!

Reasons Why We Don’t Always Communicate Effectively

At work, most of us spend more than 75% of our time communicating with others. With so much time spent in communicating it is no wonder that the root of many problems in the workplace is poor communication.

Effective communication is a vital part of the success of the individual, and organisations, whether it is a communication on the interpersonal, inter-group, internal or external levels.

Successful communicators create successful organisations.

There are many reasons for working on your communication skills and the impact can be far reaching.

Consider the benefits to your business and personal life if you could be a more effective communicator in these areas:

  • With your spouse and children
  • Being more assertive
  • In conversation
  • Develop emotional maturity
  • Public speaking
  • Relationships with other cultures
  • Written communication
  • Business letters
  • Business ethics
  • Workplace relations
  • Conflict resolutions
  • Crisis management
  • Customer relations
  • Creative thinking
  • Meetings and appointments
  • Job hunting
  • Management strategies
  • Marketing efforts
  • Negotiating skills
  • Networking
  • Presentations
  • Telephone marketing

Your communication skills are a part of how others will judge you. If you improve your skills as a communicator you will increase the likelihood that others will improve the way they treat you and regard you.

Read the statements below. Imagine that your boss has said each of these statements to you:

  • I have an issue regarding your performance
  • There is a problem regarding your performance
  • I have some feedback regarding your performance
  • We need to talk about your performance

How did you react to each of the statements? Did you react differently to each of them? Did each statement raise a different emotion? Did you want to respond to each of them in a different manner?

Now consider how different people you know could react differently to each of these very similar statements.

The choice of the first 4 words in each statement has significant impact on the success of the communication. These words are so powerful that they will drive perceptions about how much the communicator cares about the other person.

The perceptions and reactions to all four statements will vary from one individual to the next, depending on their background and experiences. The scary thing is you will never know just what the thing was that triggered someone’s reaction to your communication.Communication skills

They may not know either. But the real thing is – they will have a reaction and once the reaction occurs it is very difficult to undo or change that initial reaction.

So a better, more effective, happier way is to get the communication right in the first place.

Understand here and now that for any communication to work you must take 100% responsibility for that communication. This does not mean that you have to force the other person to listen to you, and they have to understand and accept what you are saying.

It means that it is up to you to make sure all the criteria for a good communication are met before you start to speak

Reasons Why We Don’t Always Communicate Effectively

So why don’t we all have great communications all the time? It’s only words, and we all know lots of words. What holds us back?

Good communication skills begin with good manners – respect for the other person and respect for yourself. You show respect for the other person by listening fully and showing that you understand what that person means. You respect yourself when you put forward your own thoughts and comments without aggression.

To complete a good communication each person must give and receive. A bad communication is often governed by bad habits which will interfere with the direction and intention of the communicating parties. Anything that blocks the meaning of a communication is a barrier.

Some of these barriers are:

  • judging
  • giving solutions
  • interrupting
  • Ignorance
  • not listening fully
  • not paying full attention
  • too busy
  • bad timing
  • arrogance
  • social conditions
  • ignoring the other person’s issues
  • avoiding the other person’s concerns
  • internal values & belief systems
  • bad manners
  • laziness
  • reaction rather than deliberation
  • limiting perspectives
  • pre-conceived ideas
  • not thinking before speaking
  • careless use of words
  • not realising how important words really are
  • not taking responsibility for the communication
  • believing communication is a 50-50 deal
  • communication skills

Bad habits in conversations

Here are some bad habits in conversations which are guaranteed to prevent effective communication. They all block the meaning of what is really intended and create a response in the other person that is negative.

(By the way, if it is your intention to be negative and shut down the communication you are having with the other person, then here are some fine examples).

Criticising: – You know, it’s all your own fault

Insulting: – If you weren’t so stupid it wouldn’t have happened

Judging: – Well, that will never work

Using comments like these in a communication with another person shows that you are judging them, and imposes your point of view over theirs. The other person will feel offended and will react in a defensive manner.

Moralising: – You know you have to apologise for that, don’t you.

Ordering: – Do it now!

Threatening: – Do it now, or else.

Inappropriate & excessive questioning: – What happened? Who saw you? Is it your fault?

These comments are going to prevent effective communication because they are authoritative, controlling and judgmental. These comments are attempting to dictate how the other person should deal with the situation at hand.

Regardless of whether your intention was to be caring or to just get the job done, the result will be poor. You will not be able to communicate well when using these sort of comments as the other person will get their back up at being treated as if they cannot manage their own problems, and resentment will grow.

Deflecting: – That’s nothing. You should hear what happened to me.

Logics: – Well, if you go out on your own at night you can expect to get mugged.

Superior Smugness: – You’re young, you’ll get over it.

These comments all avoid and brush off the other person’s concerns. They keep you emotionally distant from the other person. These comments work to make you feel more comfortable; they are of no comfort at all to the other person and will always be a barrier to good communication.

Another interesting perception that leads to ineffective communication is the belief that ‘This is as good as it gets.’ We have learned to accept poor communication as being acceptable, it’s ok that things go pear shaped because that’s what communication is – really hard and this is the best I can do.  Very few people have experienced excellent communication so we don’t know how good it can get. We already think we have it as good as it can get. Because it is a common thing – talking, speaking and communicating – we think that we all know how to communicate well.

The scenarios detailed above do not always result in a negative communication, but they are high risk responses and do not go along the safest path. They are responses people use when they are under stress or just don’t stop to think about what is the best way to communicate in the current situation.

These poor communications will block the feelings of the other person and they will be less inclined to communicate in an open, honest and constructive manner. Ineffective communication will not benefit the individuals involved nor their abilities to solve problems and resolve issues.

People tend to use these responses most of the time. No wonder that there are so many communication problems, misunderstandings and conflicts that arise out of nowhere.

Understand right now that if you have ever experienced any of the above situations, spoken those phrases, or had them spoken to you – then you have experienced ineffective communication.

The good news is that is it not hard to be a great communicator. You just need to use the right tools……

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

5 ways to cope better with workplace stress

We cannot eliminate or escape stress at the workplace. It is a fact of modern life. Yet we can neutralise stress by fueling our lives with meaningful actions, thoughts, and beliefs.

The first step to improve your coping mechanisms to stress is to identify what your default reactions are.

Becoming aware of our automatic responses is crucial if we want to make sense of our ineffective behaviours, understand why we have permitted these behaviours to continue, and develop a plan for replacing them. 

When the pressure is on, how do you respond?  Do you stay glued to your desk for hours on end trying to get through your to-do-list?   Do you fuel your body with coffee and chocolate?   Do you snap, snarl and swear at your screen or interruptions?   What about when you get home….glass of wine, chips and the lounge?

Consider keeping a journal for a week or two to make a note of which situations create the most stress and what your response to them is.  Record your thoughts, feelings and information about the environment, including the people and circumstances involved, the physical setting and how you reacted. Did you raise your voice? Get a snack from the vending machine? Go for a walk?  Taking notes can help you find patterns among your stressors and your reactions to them.

Once you have increased your awareness to what really stresses you and how you usually react, you can then focus on implementing more effective responses.

Since stress is a physical and hormonal chain reaction, the first place to start is using your body to interrupt the response. Indeed, the foundation for living a stress-free, physically energised life lies in what we eat, how (and how often) we move, and how much we sleep. Here are some of our favourite tips for eradicating stress on a physical level.

1. Eat whole foods.  whole food

The more our food is processed, the more it can contribute to our anxiety levels.  Not only nutritionally, but mentally when the guilt kicks in because we all know what we should be doing right?!  We can prevent these symptoms by eating whole foods, eating more fruits and vegetables (especially green ones), and getting a healthy dose of omega-3 fatty acids from salmon or seeds such as hemp, chia, and flax. Nourishing your body will make you better prepared to take on whatever challenges you’ll face at work.

2. Exercise regularly. exercise

Physical activity releases feel-good, stress-relieving chemicals. Every time you find your stress level on the rise, get up and move. You can stretch, run in place, dance, or walk around the office or building. Doing so gets your blood and endorphins flowing, makes you happy, and turns off your flight or fight stress response. Boost the physical benefits of moving by taking several deep, cleansing breathes that trigger your relaxation stressor.

 

3. Get enough sleep. 
sleep

Work stressors are magnified when we’re sleep-deprived and foggy-brained. Aim for eight hours of sleep each night. Sleeping well can help you solve problems with a clearer mind and even boost your intelligence.

Remember ….. Stress begins in our minds via a thought or belief. Thus, an important key to neutralising stress is to fuel our minds with more positive, happy, gratitude-filled thoughts in order to trigger our stress responses less often.

4. Cultivate gratitude.  gratitude

Things will go wrong throughout our workday, or at least not according to plan. This is inevitable. We can take the sting out of these negative events by focusing on what’s great in our life. Those old wives knew a thing or two what they said we should count our blessings….

5. Meditate regularly.  meditate

A consistent meditation practice—even if it’s only five minutes a day—may help lower blood pressure, and can help us control the thoughts that can trigger stress. The next time you get stressed because your boss just added another task to your already overflowing to-do list, stop and take a breath. Shake out your body, sit back down and meditate for a few minutes or do our 6 minute breathing practice.

Good luck with your stress busting. You deserve to live a happy, contented life and it’s never too late to make it happen.

 

Carpool interview with Fran Berry, Founder of Alive & Kicking Solutions

What do you do when you and your boss arrive 30 minutes early for a meeting?   We decided on a Carpool Interview!

 

You can download the audio here or read the transcript below:

Interviewer: Good afternoon, Fran. Thank you for joining me for the carpool interview today.

Fran: My pleasure.

Fran, you design your training programs to incorporate a foundation of emotional intelligence training. Why do you believe emotional intelligence is so essential for people in the workplace today?

Fran: Great question. I think emotional intelligence plays such a large role in every human life whether we’re talking about an individual relationship, a love relationship, or a corporate relationship. The lower the emotional intelligence, the more conflict there is. And, conflict tends to spiral and become habit.

I’ll just tell you a really quick story on that.

In a marital relationship that I had many years ago, our way of communicating became full of friction and conflict. A nickname that we were given by my mother was the Bickersons, because all we did was bicker. There was very little awareness that we were doing that. Both of us had low emotional intelligence. There was also seemingly no way out of the pattern for us. And the more into the pattern we got, the more stuck it felt.

So now, let’s take that example into a corporate environment to say you and I are co-workers and for whatever reason conflict shows up. If we have lower emotional intelligence, the only resource that we have is to look at the other person as being a nasty person or unpleasant to deal with or whatever, not having the emotional tools to manage oneself, and emotional tools to help another individual either. So once that spiral begins, it’s seemingly endless. And suddenly, we have not only two people in conflict, we have departments in conflict, teams in conflict, organisational structure in conflict.

So at a very base level, emotional intelligence competence to me is the life force for everything that we do. It’s always in the framework in some way. I can give you operational tools for developing rapport, but without the emotional intelligence to be able to manage yourself, you will look at those tools and say, “Oh, they don’t work.”

Interview with Fran

Interviewer: So as an expert now in emotional intelligence, are you able to have a conversation with somebody and quickly assess what their level of emotional intelligence is?

Fran: No, no. I wish! That would be great. Can I conversationally pick up a person’s level of emotional intelligence? Yes, over time, but not just in a quick meeting. Especially when you tell people you are a psychologist, “Oh, you’re psycho-analysing me. Okay, great.” After 30 seconds of conversation, “Who am I? Tell me who I am.” No, that’s impossible, it doesn’t work that way. And, it would be filled with a lot of erroneous suppositions and judgement, so absolutely not.

If you’re an employee and I watch your behaviour over time, yes, absolutely, I’ll be able to judge a certain level. It’s only seeing people respond in lots of different situations repeatedly that you start to determine what those levels are. Even then, it’s still a dodgy assessment in the fact that if I have an employee who’s aware and they’re working on themselves, their levels of emotional intelligence will rise. So, it’ll mean that they will respond differently to a similar situation.

Interviewer: [laughs] So you talked about behaviour change, can you talk us through the process that you use in your training to help people change their behaviour?

Fran: Sure. The first level of everything is awareness and it’s where we must start. Usually this is a very confronting process for people even in the most benign of course topics. For example, with communication skills and we’re teaching a person to use a bank of more positive language rather than negative language. But that first level is getting them to recognise what words they are using. Once you expose them to that and they go, “Uh. Oh my gosh, we were just talking for 10 minutes and you just asked me to repeat the last sentence I said and I couldn’t do it.” Which means  speaking from a state of not being aware.

We have that same issue with our physical bodies. “Am I aware?” You would get this if you were looking at teaching people to change their behaviour and presentation skills. First of all, I have to get you aware of what you are doing with your physical body. “Did you know that your hand is twitching like this? Did you know you’re playing with your hair or your jewellery?” Those are very subconscious habit processes that are driven so far beyond our awareness. So step one, bring awareness back in the fullest sense possible. Then gently help a person cope with whatever they see, because it’s not always comfortable.

Interviewer: Yes, that was going to be my next question actually. It must be quite shocking and confronting sometimes to see yourself.

Fran: It absolutely can be. Then there’s the exploration. So the next level, step one is awareness. The next level up is defining what is the state change that the person wants. So, where am I now? We get aware and then we have to define where you want to be because that’s not always the same. There are no absolutes to any of that, what level of growth do you want? What type of change are we talking about? And then, we look for very specific tools that will apply or processes that will apply.

Now, on top of that, there is an issue of making certain that I go beyond cognitive level with an individual always. Behaviour change means that whatever tool I implement with you has to be sampling that behaviour. As an example of that, if I want you to get to change your language, we have to do speaking exercises regularly. It has to have loads of repetition and then we are in a constant review. So awareness, action, repetition and review are really the four levels of behavioural change.

Interviewer: One of the things I noticed on your website is that you state you help individuals and organizations achieve success through better human connection. What do you mean by human connection? And isn’t that just a fancy way of saying communication?

Fran: Interesting way of thinking of it. And, my initial reaction to that is no. [laughter] So communication– Gosh, are we talking verbal communication, non-verbal communication, emails and so on? That’s just tactical. Human connection is really that sense of unknowingness of another individual and having an immediate understanding, “Are you and I connecting on a meaningful level?”

Interviewer: Right.

Fran: I would throw a question back to you to say, “Have you ever had a conversation with somebody that’s just you walk away and you go, ‘Well, that was the most plastic, almost useless conversation like, we did it because we felt we had to do it and we weren’t connecting. We were surviving?”‘ [laughs]

Interviewer: Yes, yes. So we were using communication tools. We were speaking. We were exchanging words.

Fran: Sure. And we were being very pleasant.

Interviewer: But was there any connection? Yes, beautiful. Okay.

Fran: Absolutely. I can connect with you without even speaking.

Interviewer: Yes, yes. So when we’re talking about communication, and a lot of the work that you do is aimed at improving communication within the workplace, what do you say are the essential skills of a good communicator?

Fran: Well, that’s tough because I’d like to list 20. So the ones that I’m going to give you are probably not listed in your classic communication skills. The first one is forgiveness.

Interviewer: Wow, okay.

Fran: Yes. That’s probably a surprise.

Interviewer: Yes, that was totally a surprise!

Fran: Completely. That’s off center from the usual, “Ability to develop rapport and good listening skills are bla, bla, bla.”

Interviewer: Yes, yes.

Fran: Yes, those are technical listening skills.  In order for two people to maintain a relationship, first of all, we have to come to it from an understanding that humans will transgress against one another regularly. I’m going to say something that is going to upset you at some point. Do we have the skill set? Do we have the ability? Do we have the emotional intelligence? We come back to that. To have forgiveness that allows an opening such that people can carry on forward or is there a lack of forgiveness that causes a blockage and a stopping? And it doesn’t matter what skills we apply after that, if there is an impasse and a lack of ability to move forward.

The second one is the ability to behave with another individual in a non-judgmental way. Can I listen without judging? How tolerant am I of all behaviour, regardless of what that behaviour is and do I judge it? Now, to some point, we would say that’s an impossibility and I would agree. But, do I exhibit the judgmental process and can I access the judgement and say, “Wow, isn’t that an interesting judgement I just have and I wonder why that was there?” As opposed to my judgement informing my next communication process.

You and I just meet each other and you don’t know me very well and maybe you tell a joke and the joke somehow insults me, do I instantly block any further possibility of a relationship forward just because I take an insult? I have chosen to be insulted. So, A, I’m not in a forgiving state and, B, I’m judging and deciding to block the relationship. It’s not a very useful space. Especially if you and I are in an organisation and we’re co-workers, we have to work together. This is going to cause chaos and challenge.

Interviewer: Wow, I certainly wasn’t expecting those to be the two that you pulled up there, that’s fantastic. Another one that I hope isn’t too tricky, but what core skills or ability do you think managers and team leaders need to help a group of people become high-performing team?

Fran: Well, let’s cycle right back to what we just talked about kind of. [laughs] That’s the answer. But I think– if I had to name one that’s an absolute, it’s a person who understands, and I don’t know if this is going to be clear or not, but understands the fullness of what leadership is and loves leading, loves developing people, wants to see that in the end game, those people have exceeded.

It means you have to go find your next journey, because I’ve run out of an ability to give to you anymore because you’ve exceeded me. That to me is the pinnacle of leadership and it informs the choices that I make. It informs the ways of being and part of that is just a leadership choice as well. Who do I want to be as a leader? But I think the greatest of leaders love leading, instead of a person who gets positional power. “You were a great technician. We’re going to move you up into this level of management or leadership. We know you have no training in it but, golly, good luck.”

Interviewer: Thank you. Could you suggest how your approach to training is perhaps different to how an HR team would approach training?

Fran:  I think there are probably some similarities but I would say the majority of what we do is very different because of the unique skill sets that we bring. We are consultants and we have a level of business acumen that looks at the business holistically. And so, somebody might bring us in and say, “Gosh, we’re having this problem with this team and they’re not communicating well together.” We’re going to look way outside the team to figure out what are all the operating pieces.

We look at everything that could impact from the outside, everything that’s impacting from the inside. We also have a unique position in the fact that quite often, when we get brought in for situations that are like that, it’s not the team, it’s the leader or it’s the executives or it’s the structures of the systems. Because we’re an outside source or an outsourced operation, we can quite fearlessly tell the truth. That makes us unique.

We also, because of the design of the work that we do, must stay at the forefront of development that’s out there. The forefront of development in neurosciences, the forefront of development in organisational theory, developmental theory, everything that is across all of the psychology. And today, we’re even getting more vested into the medical side of things because we’re seeing health issues showing up for individuals, so we must stay abreast of all of that.

Interviewer: Thank you, Fran. That’s the end of questions for our Carpool interview today.

Fran:  Thank you. It’s my pleasure.